Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
