On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
