You just made me feel so damn special
accomplished twins. life is a go
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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