in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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