My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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