i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
