I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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