I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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