Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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