Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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