Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize