Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
