also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
