she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Found the puke drawer
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
