I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize