sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
