I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize