Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
