Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
