$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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