I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
