Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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