I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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