I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
