Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
