so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
