Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
