Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
