i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
