he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
