you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
