woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
