remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize