i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
