There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
