Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
