All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just invented taco cereal.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
