I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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