I think my fart just growled at me.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
