I like to think it a success when the cops are called
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
