Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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