guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
