she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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