just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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