stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
