Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
