her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
