its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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