I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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