my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Randomize