I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
