I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
