so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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