I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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