Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
