but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize