How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
