she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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