You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
