Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
