He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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