does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
